I have been a mother for 28 years, my oldest child just turned 28 in September, and I have to say it has not been the best thing I have ever done in my life. I have three children 2 from my first marriage that are 28 and 25 and one from my second who is 21 and I am here to tell you, my heart is broken.
I remember the day my first was born. He was a very big beautiful baby. After two days of labor and a c section, I was so happy to be a mother and he was so perfect, I remember thinking that nothing was going to stop me from being a perfect mom. I was going to teach him, and read to him, take walks and feed him well. I did some of those things and some I didn’t and that breaks my heart.
I had my second son almost 3 years later and he was a gorgeous baby boy who brought a lot of laughter right from the moment he was born. I again thought, I am going to laugh and remember to read, and go for walks and play with him, and feed him well. Again, I did some of those things and some I didn’t and my heart broke a little more.
I then faced a divorce and my children’s lives were torn a sunder and things were quite topsy-turvy for a while and even though I loved my children, I had to do some things that I did not think I would ever do. I went to food pantries, and I was on food stamps and we ate what I could afford, and sometimes, ok oftentimes, I did not get to feed them well. My heart broke a little bit more.
I tried, I really tried, I got up every morning and I tried to teach them right from wrong, I tried to show them the way of the world, I introduced them to Jesus, and walked and prayed with them. I did not do everything I promised when they were born but man did I try.
I met a man and got remarried, I was older now and not able to have another child so we decided to do foster care, we had quite a few children come and go and then eventually adopted a little girl, and I promised myself that I would love her and keep her safe and make sure that she had everything that I could give her. My husband tried to have a relationship with her and I tried so hard to make sure things were good for her. Again, I failed, I loved her all through her childhood and I love her every day now and sometimes I did the things I said and sometimes I didn’t, honestly my broken heart broke even more.
As, I raised my children I made mistakes, and I know that every parent makes mistakes, but I look back over my children’s lives and I solved all of their problems, and I thought this was showing them I loved them. When they needed to learn to do something I grew impatient and I did it for them. When they got in trouble at school I was right there in every teacher and administrators face to bail them out. I did their chores so they would not get in trouble with their dad, wasn’t this how mothers showed their children that they loved them?
I remember my mother in my late teens and early adulthood and she loved me like this, she did things for me and she would clean my house and buy me groceries and we would do things and never tell my dad, we had our own secrets and we loved it, and when she passed away I missed her and still miss her with a part of my heart that is just gone now, it was and is so broken that it will never be the same. The parts I forgot about my mom was that when I was very young my mother let me make mistakes, she let me fail, and she let me fall and I learned, and when I was older those lessons did not need to be taught anymore. She could rejoice in a job well done as she had taught me and my brother well.
I don’t get to rejoice, my heart breaks, I know that my children suffer today because I did not let them fall, and if I missed a fall I was there to pick them up and make sure that I fixed everything so they could not fall again. I did not let them fail, I cleaned up messes for them, I wrote notes, I called teachers, and I did for them things that they should have done themselves. Today, my heart is broken into a million pieces, and the reason is my own fault. I failed them. I made promises to love them and protect them and walk with them and read to them and instead, I read for them, I did not protect them, I SHELTERED them from things that would have made them grow, I did not walk with them, I walked in front of them to clear the way for them so they never had to trip or God forbid clean up their own mess.
I am a mom with a broken heart and the saddest part is I broke it myself. Teach your children well, and when they grow old they will not depart from that. TEACH! I was supposed to teach them to do it.
I pray you teach your children and I pray you do not ever have a broken heart. Be patient and let them learn.
photo credit: via photopin (license)
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